If you are my friend on Facebook, you’ve probably been wondering what’s been going on with me this past week. To be honest, I really didn’t know myself. It took days for me to sort out the feelings and thoughts in my head. It wasn’t until I heard NF’s new song “The Search” … that it all came together. This song was heaven sent to me, and affirmed every feeling/thought that I’ve been working through for months, even years.
I added the music video, “The Search” at the end of this post, but you should watch the other videos in this post first. It will blow your mind how they’re all connected, and you will catch the whole story of this incredible music video.
If you’ve not heard of Nathan John Feuerstein, known professionally as NF, I highly recommend that you take a moment to listen. He is a hip-hop artist on a Christian label, and his music has been resonating with everyone who’s looking for hope. NF uses his music to open up about the pain in his life, from his parents’ divorce to the day his mother died from an overdose. He also uses stories of abuse, self-harm, and mental illness to influence his lyrics. With his music being so heavy and dark, many critics (including parents) worry that he emphasizes depravity over redemption.
I’ve been a fan of NF for awhile now, and his music has always hit home with me. I can relate to the pain and anger in his music. It is a breath of fresh air to me.
I live for the King, I live for the King, focus – NF
This brings me back around to myself, and why his music resonates with me.
For days I’ve been drowning in self hatred. It started after I attended the last day of my kids VBS. I went into the place already feeling insecure about being a single mom. Then, I had a huge anxiety attack after what felt-like interrogation by the congregation. I just moved back home a year ago, so I haven’t mustard up the courage to find a home church yet. This was the number one question from everyone. Enter my guilt and anxiety; a breeding ground for self-hatred. See I didn’t want people to ask me questions… I just wanted to be present. I wanted to smile and watch my kids enjoy their time at VBS. I wanted peace. I didn’t want to answer questions; questions that would surely open up to more questions. Questions that would surely break down walls that I’ve built up for protection.
A few bars from “Searching”
I get scared when I walk on these stages
I look at the crowd and see so many faces, yeah
That’s when I start to get anxious
That’s when my thoughts can be dangerous
That’s when I put on my make-up and drown in self-hatred
I have been struggling with loneliness for a long time. Moving back home has been tough for me because I’ve not had the opportunity to make any friends. I’ve also been in the process of healing.
One of my favorite songs from NF is “Mansion” because I can relate to every word. I too have built up walls in my mind to keep people out because of the pain that I’ve been through. I have trust issues – and for good reasons. I can relate to the feelings of loneliness and being trapped by fear. The fear makes it hard to deal with and heal from the pain of my past. I keep people at a distance because when I’ve opened up in the past, people have looked down and judged me. I too have written down my thoughts to help me work through my pain (as therapy and a testimony to others), only to later be told by family to not share anymore. My past make me feel dirty, disgraced, and full of regrets … and it’s only magnified when I’ve shared it with others. This is why I feel hopeless in freeing myself from the past – I’m unable to heal from it.
See I want to find a church to go to, it has been something on my mind for months. My soul has been craving to connect with people. I just don’t want to deal with everything that comes with it. Especially since I’m at the point in my life when I’m healing. It is a delicate balance for me.
Anyways, back to the night of VBS… another question that put me in a metal downward spiral was from a woman who asked me how I study the bible. She asked if I study it front to back, or chapter by chapter. This was probably a simple question, that should’ve had a simple answer.. but for me it wasn’t simple at all… because I don’t study my bible like that. I’m not in a place in my life where I just “Study” the bible. I focus my attentions more on my personal relationship with Christ. I told the lady that I read devotions, meditate on bible verses/music, and trust the Holy Spirit to show/teach me what I need. I find that when I don’t stay in the Spirit, I’m not in a healthy mental state. I think I made her nervous and she quickly ended the conversation without saying good-bye, and walked away. I took it as rejection in my mind – and I quickly had a panic attack. The people kept coming and coming after that…
A few bars from “Searching”
See, we’ve all got somethin’ that we trapped inside
That we try to suffocate, you know, hopin’ it dies
Try to hold it underwater but it always survives
Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise
Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies
You don’t relate to that? Must not be as crazy as I am
“Christian Is Not The Definition of a Perfect Me.” -NF
I have always felt like an outcast in the Christian community. I feel like it’s almost expected that you be joyful, full of hope, proclaiming about how you’ve been saved/changed by grace. I don’t think people like to talk about the journey – the healing. In the past when I’ve expressed or reached out for help with my mental afflictions, I feel as if people are saying I’m not a Christian because of them. If I was a Christian, I wouldn’t be suffering from depression. I shouldn’t be lonely because I have Jesus to talk to. I shouldn’t have to battle my mind and live in fear.. I shouldn’t be full of anger and bitterness because I’ve been saved.
The truth is, I’m still a work in progress. I’ve been through a lot, and I still have a lot of healing to do. I need to grow in maturity just like NF. I’m grieving about who I thought I’d be, and I’m learning about who I’m going to be after the dust settles; after my heart has been untwisted, and my brain has been rewired. This is why it hurts so much that I don’t fit in.
I’m still looking for a church community in which I can belong. And I really think that being social with others is important for healing, and is a great encouragement. I’m searching for people who will push me forward! I know it is out there, and God WILL answer my PRAYER. I feel in my heart I’m needing a pastor that has a little mud on his tires so to speak, and friends with wisdom.
I pray almost daily for my burdens to be lifted. Peace seems un-obtainable to me at times. I fight a battle with my mind daily; this is why I FOCUS my thoughts on Jesus every second of every day, because if I don’t my anxiety and fear would take over… next hate… and then hopelessness. Trust me when I say that is a dark place that I don’t want to be in. This is why I was so happy when I heard NF’s new song “The Search” because it confirmed everything that I’ve been feeling lately. Maybe I’m not as crazy as I feel… I’m not the only one fighting this fight, searching for peace and healing.
Have a Listen to NF’s New Music Video “The Search”
“The Search” is about NF’s fears/burdens and how he doesn’t want to identify with them anymore. He wants to leave his current state of mind and find something better. (He has unlocked the cage, walked out, and is moving out of the mansion! Fear be gone!) He is on a search for peace and hope. I can not tell you how excited I am for this new album that will be out July 26th! I’m grabbing my balloons, and I’m ready for the bumpy ride! 🙂
Finally someone that will talk about it!
You may hear negative music… I hear HOPE
the sermon below helped me tie it all together – the ending is just WOW!!
I need God. He is found in the flame –the sacrifice of needing him. All my HOPE is in His blood. All my faith is in His cross. All my righteousness is in His sacrifice. AND when the Flames go up – the Revelation comes through!!
“If God Aint Real… Real Isn’t” – NF #RealMusic
If you’d like a peek inside my Mansion, read these posts I wrote titled “Breathe” or “Lay It Down“. I know there is a purpose in it, and I believe he will use it! He has the keys of death, hell, and the grave! NF had the keys the whole time, he just needed to walk out!
I know I’m going through pain, and made mistakes – but I’m glad that he uses even the dumb stuff to deliver His purpose! He is bigger than me, what MY heart knows, and bigger than my setbacks! I’m going to trust HIM in the parentheses (what I can’t explain yet). God wants me to quit looking at what it WAS, and is wanting to use what IT IS NOW. He wants to use my life for HIS GLORY. Oh, I surrender. He wants to be the driver in my life! WOW! Now that is peace.
My opinion about what the ending of “The Search” means
I think NF is dragging around an empty shopping cart because it symbolizes how God uses empty vessels to be His voice and hands. We fill it through feasting on the word, drinking of the living water (letting the Holy Spirit work through us with an endless supply), praise, and rest/nourishment. Right now he is struggling because he is still trying to push and drag around the cart himself. This is why he gets in the cart at the end, and is surrendering. But this is just a theory, and I can’t wait to find out what’s next.
I’m so GRATEFUL that God’s spirit sustains me, and is a great support system for me! I just needed to PIVOT and re-focus to the purpose (his glory)!
My anxiety/depression causes me to loose focus sometimes, but he always brings me back! This doesn’t make me any less of a Christian, just means I’m running the race. It is a battle! I’m putting on my armor (growing in my relationship with Jesus)! Thank God I’m not doing it alone.
Now take a second… and listen to “Why” one more time.
My mind was blown when I realized he was having a revelation. Which is so much more powerful than “why”. The power of the Holy Spirit is amazing. I know the first time I had one I felt schizophrenic, like a war within myself.
I just wanna feel alive
Until I die — this isn’t Nate’s flow
Just let me rhyme; I’m in disguise
I’m a busy person, got no time for lies; one of a kind
They don’t see it; I pull out they eyes; I’m on the rise!
“A lot of people know me, but not a lot know me well”
The white robe at the end of “The Search,” is from revelations in the Bible, when He gives the martyrs a white robe and told them to, “rest a little longer“.
7 And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write; These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth; 8 I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name. 9 Behold, I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee. 10 Because thou hast kept the word of my patience, I also will keep thee from the hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world, to try them that dwell upon the earth. 11 Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown. 12 Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he shall go no more out: and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem, which cometh down out of heaven from my God: and I will write upon him my new name. 3 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.
God hears our prayers and moves mountains. Prayers have the means to move history, and brings His purposes AND our worship matters.
Jesus keeps his promises, and always tells the TRUTH!
This is why I’m so glad that everyday I’m growing in my relationship with Christ.
“A lot of people know me, but they don’t know me well”
NF’s new album is going to be amazing!