Lay it Down – written in 2015

I fell in love with a broken soul. With all my heart I loved this man. Yes I did. I don’t think I really understood until now, the extent of how much. I met him after an eleven year marriage to my now divorced husband. My husband had cheated on me, lied to me, and belittled me to the point of crushing my spirit. I met Jack, and he instantly lifted my spirits. He gave me the attention that I so deeply wanted. When I talked, he gave me his undivided attention. He made me feel like I had something worth saying, and he listened. We were two broken souls that had found each other for comfort.

I found out after awhile that Jack smoked weed. This didn’t really bother me. I started smoking weed with him at the age of 30 years old. I just wanted him to like me. I wanted to fit in. I really liked the company and great conversations that we would have. I didn’t see it as a problem, until I realized that he used other drugs. Then I slowly saw how far that rabbit hole went… it kept going and going….

I still remember the day that I found he smoked methamphetamine. We were visiting his brother out of town. I remember sitting in a room with a bunch of people. I didn’t think much of it, until a glass pipe came out. I then looked around the room at the faces of the people. They all seemed dead, like shadows. I remember seeing kids playing in the corner… and thinking this is so wrong! I remember looking around in slow motion thinking this can’t be my life… I remember the fear that wiped over Jacks face as the pipe came out… then it switched to a face of joy. At the time, I just thought it was an uncomfortable smile to me, “it’s time to go.” I remember getting really upset and needing to go outside to the car. Jack came out with me, and then returned to the house. He claimed that he wanted to say goodbye to his brother. He got high.

As we were driving that hour back to our home…. I had a panic attack! A real genuine PANIC ATTACK! Or, perhaps it was more of a realization on what I was about to endure. I knew that I NEEDED to kick him out of the car! I wanted to pull over right there on the highway and tell him to GET OUT! I didn’t. I just sat frozen, as I listened to the lies that poured out of his mouth. I remember feeling betrayed, and completely lost. I knew that I needed to walk away, but I stayed.

Shortly after this happened, Jack brought methamphetamine into our home. He guilt tripped me into doing it with him. He told me that I work too much. I hardly spend time with him, and all I do is work and sleep. So reluctantly, I used. I cried the first time that I used meth. I cried because I was sad that I had done something I knew was going to damage my soul … and I cried because my eyes were awaken to something, and my soul knew the catastrophe that it would cause.. and so I cried.

Shortly after this happened, Jack brought methamphetamine into our home. He guilt tripped me into doing it with him. He told me that I work too much. I hardly spend time with him, and all I do is work and sleep. So reluctantly, I used. I cried the first time that I used meth. I cried because I was sad that I had done something I knew was going to damage my soul … and I cried because my eyes were awaken to something, and my soul knew the catastrophe that it would cause.. and so I cried.

I used meth with him for 5 months. I realized that I had a problem, and didn’t like where my life was headed. I remember praying to God one night, and that night I became pregnant with my first born. An answer to my prayer. I immediately quit using meth. It gave me the strength to say “NO”. Jack never stopped. His drug use just got worse. He had opened up a demon inside of him, one that he has been struggling with since he was fifteen. He later admitted to me that he showed me that world because I would never want to stay with him unless I understood. He also wanted to give me the keys to help him, so he couldn’t hide it from me. And he never could. I saw his lies for what they were. It broke my heart at how badly he wanted to come clean.

I started my journey of healing and forgiveness with Jesus. I was saddened everyday when I looked at my life and realized what it had become. Despite the mess I had created, I knew that I wanted another child, so we had another..

My frustration with his addiction became more and more … especially as I realized that this was something that he couldn’t overcome. I was still smoking weed, and became convicted in my soul to stop. He always was pressuring me to keep weed around, to keep using. He said things like I need to calm down! But my anxiety was sky high. I was worried about the type of people that we had allowed in our lives. I was worried about the type of people and things that my kids were exposed to. I knew that I needed to escape.. I wanted more for them and myself. I was living in a state of a constant panic.

I lived with Jack for four years. This man that supposedly loved me stole from me, lied to me, abused me both physically and mentally. I lived with Jeckle and Hyde. He was nice when he was high, and extremely mean when he was coming down. I realized that I didn’t know this man at all. He was a compulsive liar. He was very manipulative, narcissistic, and very controlling. He had broken my finger while I was seven months pregnant while I was trying to escape. He had 4 charges of battery against me, and with the current charges it will make it 6.

He was so very good at talking though. He had a way with words that would twist your head up. The sad part was.. he was a terrible liar. You could see through the lies. You could see through the fake cries. … What twisted your head up was when you were at your wits in, and out came the true feelings of his yearning heart. The cries of a scared little boy that longed to be loved.

Jack wanted so bad to be loved and accepted. He knew that he had a problem. He knew what caused it. He knew what he needed to do to stop. The problem was he couldn’t. He beat himself up so much for this. This in turn just made him use more. He had rationalized in his head that the only thing he was good at was being a failure. This made my heart hurt so bad. I just wanted this man to succeed. I felt for him. This is why I stayed.

Jack went to church with me sometimes. We talked many a times about Jesus. I stayed because I felt he had potential to be everything that I dreamed of. I knew in my heart he wanted to stop using drugs. I wanted to believe … I wanted to believe that my hell had a silver lining. I wanted to believe that it would all be worth it.. if I just stayed a little longer. Believed and prayed a little bit more…

I prayed so many, many times for him to be delivered from drugs. I prayed so many times for me to be rescued from this hell that surrounded me… Then my answer came… but not the way that I would have imagined. One night after he had taken my paycheck for the third week in a row, he came back high. I was beyond frazzled.. I was emotionally drained and and at my wits end. I wanted to die, as I felt dead already anyways. I just wanted it all to end. To make matters worse he had scribbled on my wedding album, looked at porno for several hours, and later raped and sodomized me after his attempts to smooth things over failed. For days I had to endure both physical and mental abuse. I felt hopeless and alone. Yet, I still prayed.

My friends were acting different this time about the situation. They had seen my bruises too many times, they had heard my stories too many times… and I knew in my heart that this time SRS was getting called! I felt it in my bones. I knew it in my heart, my spirit. I knew it was time for action! I had to make a decision. It was him, or my kids. I prayed some more… It was not a decision that I took lightly.

Things were still escalated at home, because he was living in fear.. and he longing for that next fix, he was still acting crazy. I knew that I couldn’t justify his actions away anymore. I knew I had to choose. What kind of life was this for my girls. How much longer could I stay here? It was affecting my sanity, my safety, and wasn’t a healthy/ safe environment for the girls. What kind of role model was I for the girls.? Would I want them to stay in this type of relationship? … And what about Jack, was he really going to change on his own? He had tried going to support classes, and church but they were falling on deaf ears… He had started shooting up, and I could tell that he would soon be spiraling out of control. The knocks at the door from angry people was escalating, and the fits of rage had increased. I knew that if this continued I was surely going to die.. or he was going to die on the streets.

I had my answer. God had put a fire in my heart, and it couldn’t be put out. So I took my trembling feet, and reluctant heart to the police station. I filed a 10 page report. I knew in my heart that this was the best thing for everyone. I knew that Jack would finally get clean… he would be safe and jail. This held alot of weight in my decision to do this because just a few weeks prior Jack had one of those “amazing talks” that we would have. He looked me in the eyes and told me this, “I have a problem, I need you to do this for me. Why can’t you do what you know in your heart you need to do?” … also he said this a few hours later, “If you ever find out that I’m shooting up, I need you to walk away, walk away and never look back! I love you, and you must leave.”. It was like he was confessing to me, and I found out a few weeks later that in fact that is what he had done. It was his cry for help.. and honest plea from his heart. He told me infact that he had been shooting up a few days before I left. He told me this is why he was disappearing for days at a time, and this is why he was stealing my entire paychecks.

I decided to tell the police everything. The whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I put it all on the table. I prayed to god to help me write the statement, and prayed that his will would be done. I felt his hand calling me .. this is the way, walk in it. I got you… trust me.

I really believe that I made the right decision. I lived in a Domestic Violence Shelter for 2 months and completely started over. I still fight with the fact that I turned a man in that I love. I still struggle with the fact that my girls still ask about him. I wonder if the decision I made was the right one. … I know that it was. I trust that it was.

I pray that as he sits in jail he will seek the freedom that drugs can’t buy. By buying things of this world… all you do is sell your heart. You short your heart of something worth buying, and that is the love, the acceptance of GOD. Oh how glorious it is when you realize in your heart that he traded heaven to save you! This is when everyone finds their lives, when they lay it down. I pray that his knees hit the ground and he seeks his face. I pray that he really gets to know the savior personally. Not just the mere ideal of it.. or yes I believe. But the dig in the word, get to know you and follow…

My faith was shaken tonight when I read a post from his mother. It read “the saddest thing about betrayal, is that it never comes from your enemies.. miss you Althea and baby C”. This really tore my heart. Just earlier today I saw a man at the WIC office holding a baby. He reminded me so much of Jack. I remembered all the good times he had with the girls. Then doubt about my decisions rolled in… and then his moms post! Boy, it was almost too much. It almost tore me down. Then I remembered why I turned him in, and why it could never be that way. It never was that, just the ghost of what it could be. In reality it was darker, more complex than that. He was an addict..

And then later tonight I remembered why I had blocked his mother on my facebook… and quit trying to talk to her. Why? Bitterness. Smoldering resentment. A negative, critical, angry spirit. It can choke out the life of even the brightest of us. “Lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled”. It does damage, terrible damage. Like acid, destructive negativism eats away at the heart of a person. Bitterness poisons life both personally and interpersonally. When you have bitterness against someone else, it is like drinking poison yourself and thinking that it will hurt them, but it will only hurt you. You will just become an angry bitter person that no one wants to be around, and will be handed over to the tormentors (Matt 18:34) until you let it go. So I did as my therapist and friends suggested, and I let her go. I blocked her off of facebook because of her hateful comments. And I quit calling because she quit calling me. The last time I talked to her I had setup a meeting so she could spend some time with the girls, and she canceled. I’m not sure why she doesn’t talk to me anymore… or try to see the girls. But I let it go. I couldn’t take the constant feeling of “betraying my family” and the constant feeling of “it’s your fault, if you would have done this… or that”… “You’re not perfect, you’re a sinner too.” I had to let her go.

I spent all week with this message of bitterness on my mind. I wondered, do I need to apologize? Did I do the right thing? I prayed, lord give me discernment. I feel bad for her. I couldn’t even imagine how I would feel if it were me. But I had to let that go as well….

My knees hit the ground. And this was my answer. A song…

“you call me out upon the waters. the great unknown. where feet may fail.. and there i find you in the mystery. in oceans deep my faith will stand. i will call upon your name. and keep my eyes above the waves. when oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace. for i am yours, and you are mine. your grace abounds in deepest waters. your sovereign hand will be my guide. where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. you’ve never failed and you won’t start now. spirit lead where my trust is without borders. let me walk upon the waters. whever you would call me. take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. and my faith will be made stronger. in the presence of my savior.”

Then Jennifer further confirmed my convictions with this post to my timeline “Don’t let your struggle take your faith, let it strength it…. This world will try its best to make you lose your grip on life….This world will try its best to convince you that you’re too weak to move so you’ll stay stuck in your struggle…RISE UP….Stand strong when you’re at your weakest… Find confidence when you’re at your lowest….There’s no losses in life when you were born to win”.

So in conclusion, I have come to this… I did not betray anyone. If anything I betrayed myself, my convictions, and God for allowing all of this to go on longer than I knew that it should. Despite this, I wasn’t sure on how to change things, or even how to rise above it… but I knew that God had asked me to take a leap of faith and trust him. I did, and he has been blessing me ever sense. I feel so weak. I sometimes doubt. But I have found strength in my weakness.

I think that I do have some sort of bitterness in my life to overcome. The betrayal of my ex-husband (infidelity, verbal abuse); and the many betrayals that Jack inflicted me with (verbal, physical abuse, lies, robbery, and infidelity). The biggest one was the betrayal of the rape and sodomy. I have also been hurt from the false accusations of “making it up”. I’m trusting the holy spirit to crumble these walls of bitterness that I have formed around my heart. I want to be able to love and trust again. I don’t want the un-forgiveness in my heart to be passed on to my children. I must leave all of it behind. I must surrender to heal. I believe that through therapy, and the Holy Spirit I am on the right path.

I hope that it turns out for Jack.. I really do. I hope that he finds a silver lining amongst the clouds. I never meant to hurt him, or harm him. I loved him. I had to give him into God’s hands. I let him go. This is how I know that I loved him. Yes, I loved the “idea of him I created” or even the “potential” … but it was more than that. I loved him enough, I respected him enough, my kids enough, and me enough to do the right thing. I gave him up.. the life I had envision up, everything up… because I didn’t want to enable the addiction anymore. I knew that I couldn’t save him. I was called to action, and I did what I felt the spirit was leading me to do. I hope that someday they will understand that I did it out of love, not hate. I have forgiven him for the offenses that he committed against me, and I hope one day that they will understand and forgive me.

I heard the cries of Jack’s heart, and I wanted to save him so bad. I believe that Jack was just a lost soul who believes in Jesus, and is just trying to find his way. My HOPE is this, “For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me that I shall LOOSE NONE OF all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father’s will is that EVERYONE who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.” John 38-40

The truth is this… I can’t save him. But the one who is the bread of life can. He is the “living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.” John 6:51. I know he will find his way because Jesus said he wouldn’t loose any that has been given to him, but rather will raise them up! I have faith, and I believe this is true.

I think it all comes down to this. Who are you placing your trust in? Who is in the driver seat of your life? Are drugs and alcohol driving your life, your decisions? Is it perhaps the goal of finding the love of a person? Video games? Facebook? Football? HATE? Jesus asks us to merely lay down our nets and follow him. Just as he did with the disciples. What is it that your fishing for that you need to lay down? Only he can provide the answers to that question. He is the only one that can truly restore your life. He is the only foundation that we need to be building our house. If it isn’t bringing glory to him, lay it down. Let your knees hit the ground today. He wants a relationship with you, and all he asks is for a willing heart to listen, trust, and obey. Give up your right to yourself and allow him to be in that seat! He will give you all the grace and strength you need so you can give him the glory. He loves you, he saved you, and he has a purpose for you. He is knocking on the door of your heart … let him in. Open that door, and eat with him.

Please pray for Jack, my kids dad. He sits in jail about to go to prison. I don’t regret turning him in, or doing what I did. I know that is what needed to happen. It needed to happen because I listened and obeyed. I don’t know God’s will, or how the story will play out. But I do know that I am where I am suppose to be. I know I am safe, and I am at peace. The only time that I find myself doubting these things is when I stop focusing on God, and trusting Him.

Salina Post – “Incarceration helping Salina man to overcome drug habit

Just like Peter, I’m stepping out into the waters of my life. My trust is in you. You are ever faithful. I ask you Lord, that you would keep my eyes above the waves of life, and keep me from doubting just as Peter did (for I surely will) … You will take me deeper than my feet ever could. And my faith is made stronger in your presence!! My soul rests in your embrace for I am yours and you are mine.

Thank you Lord Jesus, my Savior.

Update in 2019

He has been out of prison for a few years, and is still using drugs. I moved back home because of it, and I don’t have contact with him. I have a protection order on him because I don’t trust him while he’s using. I struggle with the fine line of letting him see the kids, and protecting them from that life.

I pray that things will improve in his life. I pray for his salvation and deliverance from sin. And I pray for continued guidance and healing for myself.

5 thoughts on “Lay it Down – written in 2015

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